Let’s break up Nigeria to BAND A, C, and F

Bayo Oluwasanmi

For every mysterious and seemingly intractable problem for Nigeria, the federal government has ready and surprise solution. Once upon a time, the chaotic Lagos traffic jam was tamed by the introduction of even and odd registration numbers of vehicles that could travel to Lagos on certain days. For example, only vehicles with even numbers could be on Lagos roads on Mondays, Wednesdays. On Tuesdays and Thursdays vehicles with odd numbers were allowed on Lagos roads. 

Nigerian government is the greatest creative force in the history of mankind. The brain box of the government is powered by geniuses and unmatched people with incredible theoretical reasoning, knowledge, and skills. 

For every mysterious and seemingly intractable problem for Nigeria, the federal government has ready and surprise solution. Once upon a time, the chaotic Lagos traffic jam was tamed by the introduction of even and odd registration numbers of vehicles that could travel to Lagos on certain days. For example, only vehicles with even numbers could be on Lagos roads on Mondays, Wednesdays. On Tuesdays and Thursdays vehicles with odd numbers were allowed on Lagos roads. 

The budget allocated for the provision of treated water and the infrastructural delivery into homes was swallowed by Anaconda snakes. In a jiffy, and from nowhere, the government proffered a solution. Bingo! Borehole was born. Since then, the government washed its hands and feet from constructing dams, laying of pipes that will carry clean water to homes. Yet, every year, millions were voted for the ministry of water resources. As usual, many snakes, cats, cows, goats, sheep, pigs, tortoises, and ants feed fat on the budget. 

Here comes the biggest elephant in the room: electricity. Like I said in one of my articles that the power grid and greed, power failure and power rationing have bedeviled Nigeria since I was in my mother’s womb. It remains unresolved after my birth. It didn’t take the hard thinkers long before a solution was found to the age long problem of electricity: generators. Every Nigerian home is powered by generators. Even Aso Rock until some months ago, was lit by generators. Aso Rock has now gone Solar to rid Aso Rock residents of the tuberculosis caused by carbon monoxide emissions from the generator. The government excluded the Nigerian people from its solar power grid because Nigerians are too illiterate and ignorant to operate solar power. To pacify the masses, the minister of power and his troupe of comedians came up with astonishing alternative. The electricity distribution to consumers was divided into Bands A, B, C, D, and F. The rich, the powerful, the connected, and the corrupt political elite belong to Band A where there’s uninterrupted 24/7 supply of electricity. As expected, the poor, were consigned and constricted in Band D and F where they fight among themselves for the damaged rays from Band A.The result has been amazingly incredible. 

Because the categorization of electricity consumers into bands works so well, I propose that Nigeria should be divided into Band A, D, and F. Band F will consist of consumers in states dominated by Boko Haram and Fulani terrorists. Consumers in the states with the highest kidnapping rates should be in D. Band A will be made up of consumers in the states with the highest number of people killed for money ritual. Each Band category generates equal revenue from ransom payments by victims. Because there’s no competition, there will be no hike in prices. There’s equilibrium in demand and supply. Market forces at its best! 

The benefits of the band system are immense and immediate. Each band fosters our diversity. We engage in the same business with highly specialized division of labor. We speak the same language of business. We are regulated by the same professional culture. We are guided by the same climate of respect. Above all, it strengthens our unity, where peace, progress, and prosperity reign. And we have been  living together happily after. The unity of Band A, B, D, and F is not negotiable. We are one and indissoluble. We are free at last! God bless the great peoples of Band A, D, and F. 
THIS ARTICLE FIRST APPEARED IN SAHARA REPORTERS